Sunday, April 28, 2013

The Crushing Weight of Infertility

I have been worn out. My heart has been broken in longing for more children.  I was losing sight of a God who I was disappointed with and a hope that I had long held for our family to grow.  Friends, I am not talking about a decade ago. I'm not looking back at a road with years of wisdom to share. I am talking about last week. I am talking about the bad news we had from the fertility doctor and the second blow that followed days later.  I am talking about me weeping in frustration and anger that my heart was breaking and Jeff's heart was worn thin and it didn't seem like God was intervening.  Can we just be honest here?  There are days like this, when all hell seems to break loose and this girl with rock hard faith feels small and insignificant.  I just want you to know that for those of you who have felt like you saw your last shred of hope walk out the door, that I understand.  I feel you.  I feel for you, and with you, that life can be hard.

In the final ladies Bible Study that I taught for this spring we looked at Jesus on his way to Golgotha. He was beaten and bruised. His skin torn to shreds and his muscles without any energy to carry his cross.  A Roman soldier called out a man, Simon of Cyrene, his name to be remembered for all generations as the man who carried Jesus's cross.  Let that sink in, Jesus was so badly beaten that he was not required to carry his own cross, he was given help.  He was walking in the will of His father. He was without sin, and yet in his obedience to God he was in a place where his own cross was too heavy a burden to bear.  Now I know there are a whole lot of theological implications to the question "could he have carried his cross?", but the fact is that he did not carry it and he did not protest to Simon taking on the heavy load.  If there came a time for Jesus to lay down his cross accepting anothers help, certainly we are given opportunity to lay down our heavy burdens. 

Last week my Mom came to my house and I was weeping over our infertility.  She was about to take a long drive and she prayed for me and Jeff.  She heard the Lord say "I am compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love".  My Mom came to my house as soon as she got home and she shared with me what God had laid on her heart. I realized in that moment that I had completely forgotten about God's compassion. He seemed distant and I felt like Jeff and I were on our own in our journey to grow our family.  My Mom's word's began to change my heart.  I was remembering God.   She and others have continued to pray for me and Jeff and to encourage us. I can honestly say that the weight of this cross I have had on my shoulders is not crushing my Spirit anymore. I am keeping those words before me. "God is compassionate". 

Dear friend, you are not meant to carry a heavy burden.  Matthew 11:28-30 says
28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Today Jesus speaks to me that this desire for more children is a gift that He has given, not a heavy burden. The desire to conceive is not an idol, it is a joy that I lay at Jesus's feet.  I can trust him with our family. He has certainly proven Himself over and over.  I can trust him with my heart.  You can trust him with yours too.  It may be broken and hurting.  God may be asking you to wait like He is asking me...  But the promise of Jesus is that the burden he gives is light and the yoke he gives is easy. If it becomes too hard, you are probably doing more than God has asked you to do.  You are going an extra mile you haven't been given grace to travel, you are trying to do in the flesh what God must first accomplish in the Spirit.  Or maybe you need a Simon to come along side you and help you lay your burden at the feet of the One who made the Sun rise this morning and has placed breath in your lungs. 
 Open your heart up to God and to the body of Christ. He may use your brothers and sisters to help take that heavy burden off of your shoulders and lay it at the feet of Jesus.  He has certainly done that very miracle in my life this week.