Friday, February 5, 2016

An Honest Confession

I came into the new year with a resolution or sorts, it is a verse of scripture that God has continually been putting before me.  Matthew 6 says "33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."  I confess that I have been slack in my seeking.  It is the mom of a toddler thing where I figure I don't have time to sit before the Lord and spend time in his word. When that precious moment of Caleb's naptime happens I began to prioritize the things that I know that I can't do when he is awake.  My list looks like this:  
  • clean dishes, and empty dishwasher. I can't do this while he is awake because he has a thing for dirty dishes
  • vacuum
  • fold clothes and put them away (yes, I do actually put them away)
  • make dinner
  • and of course check facebook on and off and email and wonder what the weather will be like and perhaps check ski conditions at the mountain where we are going for a family trip.   
Then, when the floor is cleaned, the granite polished, the smell of dinner in the crock pot filling the air I would sit down to God's word. Inevitably, within 10 minutes of Bible reading I would hear the cries for Mommy.  In all of the naptime I spent about 10 minutes in God's word.  Honestly friends, I can do better than that. I have to do better than that.   

This has been my pattern for the past 6 months or so, and I will be honest, I have wondered why I haven't been as fruitful as I once was in ministry.   I have always been a quiet time girl.  There were times in my life when I spent 2 hours in God's word.  I would soak it in and then when the world would wring me I would pour out Jesus. I often had something to write, a message to give, or a prophetic word to pray over someone. In these past months I haven't felt compelled to share any scripture and haven't had thoughts for writing. I thought that perhaps God was just changing my calling, that he wasn't going to use me as a writer or as a teacher of His Word. Now that God has gotten my full attention again, I see that the gifting that he has given me as His child has not changed, it has just gone untended. 

Here is a picture of my garden a few summers ago. It was fruitful, tomatoes, peppers, and other veggies just lived in happy harmony in my well tilled and watered soil.  Last summer and the summer before that I lost the middle row of my tomatoes. The garden looked puny on the inside, so much so that this summer in early August I just pulled all the veggies from the center row.  The first summer of the failing middle I blamed the nursery where I got those plants. I start most of my plants from seed, but that summer I put some store bought plants in the garden. I blamed them for the disease!  Ha!  Those bad folks at bonnie selling diseased produce. This summer all my plants got their start in my front window.  All of them had the same care.  It wasn't until mid June I noticed I was losing the middle row again. It turns out, that row wasn't getting the water it needed.  The outside rows grew so tall they were blocking the water spray.  The middle row was parched, while the outside rows were thriving. 

Friends, no matter what absolutely necessary things are pressing a day, the most important calling is to Seek Jesus first. I hear you when you say you are too busy to read God's word. I know your kids make a mess. I know you may feel lonely at home and you need to check facebook to feel connected to other adults. I get your heart. I am there. I have been there and I want to do better. I want to BE better.  I just don't want to be that girl that has spent all her time watering the outside, the appearance of things but letting the center go weak and weary.  I need to remember to abide in Christ, because apart from Him, I can do nothing.  Let him water my life, saturate my life, down to the very center.

So this is my confession before my Daddy God who loves me:  Father, I have forsaken time with you for the busyness of homekeeping and the distractions of facebook and social media. I have missed opportunities of quiet moments with you throughout the day.  I need you to change my heart to make me a seeker of Jesus. Lord, do in me this transforming work of grace that the priority of my every day would be to seek you first, to find in you the midst of crazy, and to settle with you in quiet moments.  

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