The Crushing Weight of Infertility

I have been worn out. My heart has been broken in longing for more children.  I was losing sight of a God who I was disappointed with and a hope that I had long held for our family to grow.  Friends, I am not talking about a decade ago. I'm not looking back at a road with years of wisdom to share. I am talking about last week. I am talking about the bad news we had from the fertility doctor and the second blow that followed days later.  I am talking about me weeping in frustration and anger that my heart was breaking and Jeff's heart was worn thin and it didn't seem like God was intervening.  Can we just be honest here?  There are days like this, when all hell seems to break loose and this girl with rock hard faith feels small and insignificant.  I just want you to know that for those of you who have felt like you saw your last shred of hope walk out the door, that I understand.  I feel you.  I feel for you, and with you, that life can be hard.

In the final ladies Bible Study that I taught for this spring we looked at Jesus on his way to Golgotha. He was beaten and bruised. His skin torn to shreds and his muscles without any energy to carry his cross.  A Roman soldier called out a man, Simon of Cyrene, his name to be remembered for all generations as the man who carried Jesus's cross.  Let that sink in, Jesus was so badly beaten that he was not required to carry his own cross, he was given help.  He was walking in the will of His father. He was without sin, and yet in his obedience to God he was in a place where his own cross was too heavy a burden to bear.  Now I know there are a whole lot of theological implications to the question "could he have carried his cross?", but the fact is that he did not carry it and he did not protest to Simon taking on the heavy load.  If there came a time for Jesus to lay down his cross accepting anothers help, certainly we are given opportunity to lay down our heavy burdens. 

Last week my Mom came to my house and I was weeping over our infertility.  She was about to take a long drive and she prayed for me and Jeff.  She heard the Lord say "I am compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love".  My Mom came to my house as soon as she got home and she shared with me what God had laid on her heart. I realized in that moment that I had completely forgotten about God's compassion. He seemed distant and I felt like Jeff and I were on our own in our journey to grow our family.  My Mom's word's began to change my heart.  I was remembering God.   She and others have continued to pray for me and Jeff and to encourage us. I can honestly say that the weight of this cross I have had on my shoulders is not crushing my Spirit anymore. I am keeping those words before me. "God is compassionate". 

Dear friend, you are not meant to carry a heavy burden.  Matthew 11:28-30 says

²⁸ Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Today Jesus speaks to me that this desire for more children is a gift that He has given, not a heavy burden. The desire to conceive is not an idol, it is a joy that I lay at Jesus's feet.  I can trust him with our family. He has certainly proven Himself over and over.  I can trust him with my heart.  You can trust him with yours too.  It may be broken and hurting.  God may be asking you to wait like He is asking me...  But the promise of Jesus is that the burden he gives is light and the yoke he gives is easy. If it becomes too hard, you are probably doing more than God has asked you to do.  You are going an extra mile you haven't been given grace to travel, you are trying to do in the flesh what God must first accomplish in the Spirit.  Or maybe you need a Simon to come along side you and help you lay your burden at the feet of the One who made the Sun rise this morning and has placed breath in your lungs. 
 
 Open your heart up to God and to the body of Christ. He may use your brothers and sisters to help take that heavy burden off of your shoulders and lay it at the feet of Jesus.  He has certainly done that very miracle in my life this week. 

You gotta have friends

I can't stop thinking about what I read in Joshua a few weeks ago. I have long since passed it in my Bible Reading but it still lingers in my mind as a thought with which I am wrestling.  "And the men of Reuben, the men of Gad, and the half tribe of Manasseh crossed over armed before the children of Israel..." Joshua 4:12.  Profound, or you think I am losing it? Why this sentence to make me awestruck with wonder?  These men already had their promised land. They had fought their battles and settled in their inheritance on the East side of the Jordan. They could have said that it wasn't their battle to fight, that they needed to stay home and start planting their own fields. They needed to make a life for themselves.  They could have just sent their blessings, their good will to their Israelite brothers as they crossed to conquer Canaan, but they didn't. They led the charge and stepped into the split waters of the Jordan.  They stayed in the fight.

Friends, this speaks to me because God will ask you to cross a Jordan for the sake of your brother or your sister. He will ask you to be present and involved in moving your friends into their own "promised land".  You may think you are too busy with your own world, your own house, your own problems, but God...  He invites you to fight a battle that doesn't look to immediately benefit you.  He may ask you to lay down your own dish towel to clean a friend's house. He may ask you to bring your hammer to your neighbor's house instead of fixing your own fence.  He may ask you to go to your knees in prayer for a sister's son who is headlong on his way as far from God as possible. He may ask.  God may just ask you to go to battle for another's promised land.  Say yes!  Love your friend enough to stop and pray, listen, lend a hand, bring a meal.  Love your friend enough to not just say you will pray, but really pray, fervently with the passion and orthodoxy of God's Spirit flowing through you.  Fight the battle.

What did it benefit these brave men who crossed the Jordan before the ark of God?  They were circumcised on the other side of the Jordan.  Yikes!  It was painful but it meant they were marked for God.  They were set apart as holy. If they had not crossed over they may have missed out on the sign of the  covenant of Abraham.  They were also there in the midst of Israel when the walls fell down around Jericho.  They saw the miracle!  They were given an opportunity to see the God of the Universe show His muscle and His favour.   They didn't miss out on God.

When you are called upon to help a friend enter in to that place of promise you also get to celebrate with your friend in the faithfulness of God.  You get to be a witness to the miracle. You get to walk on a deeper level of intimacy with your sister or brother.  You also get to show the world that those of us in Christ really do love each other. We really are for each other.  We are One!

I ask you to pray for me to enter into that place that I believe God has promised to our family.  Jeff and I and even little Zack long for our family to increase.  We long to have another baby and adopt children into our family.  I am beginning to believe more and more God is asking me to invite others to cross this Jordan with us in prayer.  Please take a moment to really pray for God's blessing on our family.

Lord, bring the increase. Let us Webbs raise up warriors for your kingdom!  Remove any obstacles to fertility, and let conception happen.  Let our licensing with DHR go through and make our home the perfect place for a little one without a home to be loved and raised to love Jesus.   Release your blessings Lord.  Let your will be done on Earth as it is done in Heaven.

The Battle Cry

 I have been reading in Judges and I noticed a curious thing.  Every time the "Spirit of the Lord" comes upon someone they are led into battle or made ready for battle.  A super strength and passion comes over them and they rise up to lead an army or even go alone to fight the enemies of God.  Check out these verses:

 

Judges 3:10-11

The Spirit of the Lord came upon him, and he became Israel’s judge. He went to war against King Cushan-rishathaim of Aram, and the Lord gave Othniel victory over him.  So there was peace in the land for forty years.

Judges 11:29

[ Jephthah’s Vow ] At that time the Spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah, and he went throughout the land of Gilead and Manasseh, including Mizpah in Gilead, and from there he led an army against the Ammonites.

 

There are a bunch more just like those.  Look at the lives of Samson, Gideon, Saul, and David. In each case God's Spirit was preparing them to lead others in battle to reclaim the land that God had already given to them. They went out to battle for their inheritance.  

Honestly, I need the message of the Spirit of the Lord compelling God's people to take their inheritance.  I need to know that the land that God has promised really is ours.  You see, the enemy of your soul has pitched his tent on your land. He has spoken his lies into your unsuspecting mind and he has established a place for himself, right there in the middle of your thoughts, and in your very own neighbourhood.  You need to take it back.  Is there a place in your redeemed mind that you are not believing God?  Is there a place in our country that God wants to clean up and make new? (I hope so)

So what does your inheritance really look like?  What is it that you are fighting to claim in Jesus name?  Dear friend, you have a rich inheritance, and remember, you don't receive an inheritance when you die, you receive when the giver dies.  Our Jesus went to his cross already, he has defeated death.  He has given us the gift of His Spirit. We are walking into our inheritance which is heaven, and we are living in our inheritance right now.  There is much more for us in the place Jesus has gone ahead to prepare for us, but there is also much more for us now.  In John 10:10 Jesus promised that he has come to give us abundant life.  Our inheritance of abundance begins in our salvation.  He has promised us a peace that surpasses all understanding to guard our hearts and minds.  He has promised us love, joy, patience, self control, goodness, and peace.  We are not just waiting to die, we are called to live fully right now. Our inheritance is Jesus, in this moment. 

Spirit of the Lord, fall upon us and give us passion to claim our inheritance in Christ. Give us a longing for more of you.  Give us a desire to see your Gospel go out to all the nations... to claim your inheritance in all the world, that in the end of it all every knee will bow and tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.  Today, let it be my knee bent, my head bowed, my heart surrendered... for you are my inheritance, and I am yours.

  

Let these verses wash over you and give you hope.

 Hebrews 9:15

That is why he is the one who mediates a new covenant between God and people, so that all who are called can receive the eternal inheritance God has promised them. For Christ died to set them free from the penalty of the sins they had committed under that first covenant.

 1 Peter 1:3-7

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is by his great mercy that we have been born again, because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Now we live with great expectation, ⁴ and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay. ⁵ And through your faith, God is protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see. ⁶ So be truly glad.^[b] There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. ⁷ These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

 Ephesians 1:11

Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan.

 Psalm 16:5

Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine.

 Psalm 2:8

Only ask, and I will give you the nations as your inheritance, the whole earth as your possession.

 Psalm 37:18

Day by day the Lord takes care of the innocent, and they will receive an inheritance that lasts forever.

 Psalm 61:5

For you have heard my vows, O God. You have given me an inheritance reserved for those who fear your name.

 

 

When you think you have enough

Israel crossed the Jordan river and entered into their promised land after 40 years of preparation in the wilderness. They had their swords raised and the trumpets blaring. They wiped out cities and took the land, the hill country, the plains, the great cities... They plundered the land and ate from the crops they did not plant and got rich from the cities they did not toil to build.  They were unstoppable.  God was with them and they rode the wave of God's power and judgement throughout the land that God had promised them as their inheritance.  It was their land already, they just needed to go in to claim it. 

The problem came when they got sort of content with the cities and the towns they had already conquered. They got the idea in their heads that they did not need all of the land God had given them. They had enough. They could plant their fields, build their houses, it didn't matter that they left many cities still occupied with idol worshippers.  I can just hear them now "I'm tired of war, let's settle down in this valley and plant our fields. If we don't bother them, they won't bother us..." 

I am challenged today with the idea of how much of the promised land do I really want? I think many Christians get the idea that they are better than they used to be so that is good.. They grow complacent and content building their own lives and they stop pursuing Jesus.  I want more. I want the whole promised land. It isn't enough to say that at least I am closer to God than I used to be and just get comfortable.  I want to know God better. If the promised land for me is to be in an intimate relationship with the God of the heavens, I want it all.  If the promised land is for my mind to be transformed by God's word, I want transformation. If the promised land is for me to be filled with God's peace, love, joy, compassion.. I say bring it on. I don't want to be a lukewarm ordinary, complacent Christian just barely making it, thinking well at least I am saved and I know I won't go to hell when I die.  I want the promises of God.  I want to walk intimately with my Saviour. 

Here are a few of God's promises to us:
I will never leave you or forsake  you!  Yes!  Jesus be with me!
I will continue the good work I started in you!  Yes!  Finish me in Christ!
I will go before you and make a room for you in my Father's house!  Yes!  Jesus, let my room have a view of your throne!
I have come that you might have life, and have it abundantly!  Yes!  Lord, abundant life!

Friends,  let's not just figure this life is about just barely making it.  Let's not become content with a little bit of Jesus.  Pursue Him!  Let Him have victory in you.   Let's move on in to that place of promise.

There may be hope for us yet

Last week 2 worlds collided.  I was reading the book Sons of Encouragment by Francine Rivers and I saw myself in Aaron, the brother of Moses.  I saw myself in his uncertainty and failure as a leader. I saw myself in his great desire to please God, but how do you when so often you come up short.  I was struggling with a time in ministry that I felt that I didn't do it right. I felt like I came up short and I had failed to pass some integrity checks. I gave into gossip instead of steering clear. I gave into fear of man instead of just trusting God with my heart and life. I was in a tough situation as far as what was going on around me and in the thick of the battle I decided I needed to watch my back.  I was mourning and grieving over missed opportunity to protect and bless. I have this tendency to look back to see a failure and miss the countless wins along the way. Why do the mistakes seem to stick out like green and purple henbit on a perfectly good lawn of dormant brown zoysia grass?  I don't know, but I was starting to see a bunch of henbit.

Aaron had that experience.  He stood with Moses before Israel when everyone was saying that Moses was crazy. He stood before the Pharoah and spoke God's words knowing that he could be killed at any moment. He had all of these brave miraculous moments and then he pretty much blew it.  He built a golden calf when Moses was on the mountain with God.  He gave in to the demands of the people and he gave them an idol to worship.  You would think that God would just smite Aaron right on the spot. You would think it would be over for Aaron.  It wasn't.   Aaron immediately repented of his sin and stood beside Moses while Israel remained defiant. He joined God in judgement on his people and he showed God his true heart; he was for God.

Later on this is what God told Moses...

Exodus 28:

Then bring near to you  Aaron your brother, and his sons with him, from among the people of Israel, to serve me as priests—Aaron and Aaron's sons, Nadab and Abihu, Eleazar and Ithamar. ² And you shall make holy garments for Aaron your brother, for glory and for beauty......

³¹ “You shall make the robe of the ephod all of blue. ³² It shall have an opening for the head in the middle of it, with a woven binding around the opening, like the opening in a garment,^[c] so that it may not tear. ³³ On its hem you shall make pomegranates of blue and purple and scarlet yarns, around its hem, with bells of gold between them, ³⁴ a golden bell and a pomegranate, a golden bell and a pomegranate, around the hem of the robe. ³⁵ And it shall be on Aaron when he ministers, and its sound shall be heard when he goes into the Holy Place before the Lord, and when he comes out, so that he does not die.

Instead of counting Aaron out of ministry, God made him the high priest. He gave him fine clothes for glory and for beauty. He dressed Aaron to stand before him and present the offering for the people. I keep imagining what it would have been like for Aaron to stand in front of Moses, the man who saw God, and to let Moses place that fine linen over his head, and adorn him with the beauty of God so that he might stand in God's Tabernacle.  

I see myself there, even though I know that I have fallen short in so many ways and even have hurt people in my sin, God still dresses me for ministry.  He still chooses to use a girl like me.  Friend, we all have our golden calves.  We all have places where we just blew it and how could God possibly use us again?  I want you to know that He has new clothes for you to wear.  Stand before Jesus today and let him dress you. 

What would you say to a woman who has had an abortion?

My pastor asked my man and me to lead in prayer last Sunday.  He said it was sanctity of life Sunday and that he would be preaching on abortion, infertility, and adoption.  We gladly accepted the invitation to pray and decided to watch October Baby as a means of getting our hearts tuned in to the topic.  The movie itself made an impact on me. I never realised someone could actually survive an abortion, or that abortions were done on babies at a gestational age that they would survive outside of the womb.  It isn't that aborting a baby in the first trimester is morally acceptable but my heart was just too distant from the reality of abortion that I didn't even really consider it's implications. 

Sunday morning we arrived 30 minutes early to join the leadership in prayer.  I sat there at the board room table and my Pastor, David, told me that he wanted me and Jeff to speak about our struggles with infertility and our decision to foster/adopt.  I said yes, knowing that he is asking me to do something so hard and yet that God has given us a voice and if we can encourage anyone with our floundering words we will do it.  He then dropped another bombshell on me, he said he was going to ask me in front of the congregation what I would say to a woman who has had an abortion.  Wow... thankful that he gave me at least a 45 minute heads up on the question I considered it in prayer before the Lord. 

James 5:16 NLT

¹⁶ Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

When I stood in front of my sweet family of Sojourn Church and began to answer the question the Words of James were fixed in my mind like a sign post leading the way to life.  I would say this:  sweet sister, You are broken and struggling under the weight of a heavy burden that you do not have to carry any longer.  You can confess the sin that has so long hidden itself in the dark places in your mind and heart. You can let Jesus shine the light of truth and grace into those festering places that cause you such deep pain, and you can be healed. In fact, you can see the transforming miracle of God taking what Satan meant to enslave you and using it to bring freedom to others.  You can surrender your story over to Jesus, all of it, the hard parts and the parts that make you smile. You can surrender your entire life over to the one who loved you when you were yet his enemy-- the one who went to the cross to win your heart.  Dear friend, God has already paid the price for your sin. He has already made you clean. Let him love you today.  Let Him embrace you today.  Let Him use your broken, humble, surrendered life to share the beauty of the Gospel and of one who has been set free.  

In truth there is much to be said to one who carries the heavy burden of the sin of abortion, just as to anyone who has hidden sin in their past that continues to bring accusation and shame.  The freedom we have in Christ is real.  If you struggle with a weight of sin please don't do it alone.  Trust a brother or sister with your heart and together with them go to Jesus.  Seek counselling, deliverance ministry, let God fill your mind with His Word. Pray.  And know, that Jesus loves you. He smiles over you, he welcomes you, he runs to you and throws the garment of righteousness over you.   

You are welcome to email me at judy@sojournhsv.org if you need a friend for such a time as this.  

 

Because the Womb is Supposed to be the Safest of Places

 It is supposed to be the safest place.  All warm and dark with the beating of a Momma's heart and the swoosh swooshing of blood flow, the squiggles of the tummy.  The close walls of  protection, the floating, the kicking to try to find a little more room.  Baby hiccups, he flutters, he yawns, stretches a bit, trying himself out.  He hears the voices of those who love him, he learns their rhythm and tone.  He will be born with Momma's voice familiar and comfortable in his new world of blankets and pacifiers, nurses and crying.  He will be born because God has designed the womb to be the perfect place for his body to form, his heart to learn rhythm and his brain to function with intelligence.  He will be born because of the skilful hand of God. 

Oscar Sturmfels-- fattest cheeks ever formed in the womb :)

Psalm 136: 13-16

For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;^[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

    

When this little guy you see in the above picture was being formed in my womb, God was involved. He was loving my sweet boy. He was speaking tenderly over him. God was making his heart beat and he was teaching Zack to open and close his eyes, to move his arms and legs. He was teaching Zack to ride a little high in there so I would have heart burn and not eat so many jalapenos.  God was with Zack in my womb, that safest of places for Zack to begin his life.  God was present and He knew my son and knows my son.  It is a miracle that life would form at all, and so we must not forget the hand of God in bringing forth life.  Even in the beginning when sperm was meeting egg, God had Zack's life ordained, set apart as special to him.  How happy I am that God has given me Zack.  I am honored that He would choose me to carry that sweet blessing in my safest of places.  

Dear friends, all of these thoughts are from me processing the truth of abortion and how the enemy of our souls has taken the womb and made it a place of death and destruction at least 57 million times in the past 40 years.  Will you join me in praying that God would make the womb a safe place once again? Will you join me even now and just ask God to stop the rampage of abortion that has swept our nation in the past 40 years. 

Because we all need to start somewhere...